Sheep

This one will be interesting and I myself am excited to see where this is going to go.

My brain goes about a million miles a minute trying to figure out what God is trying to show me some days. That is why I started this Blog. This is an outlet for me to sort out what's going on between my heart and my head. They aren't always in sync with each other. I say that because I know God has spoken truth into my heart. What I see,what I feel, and what I know to be true, sometimes don't all go together. Let me explain.

For as many times as I have said, "God has a plan and a purpose for our lives, stay on track and he will lead you there", I still struggle with that. When you read it, it sounds great. When you actually apply it to your life it is a struggle. You know what you need to do, yet the devil is there to whisper in your ear "you don't need this new life", you really aren't a new creation in Christ, your still the same old Dez that I had a hold onto for years." LIES LIES LIES!

This happens when I get fearful of stepping outside of God's will and finding my self lost b/c of the "slow fade" (compromises) that I have allowed in my life.

The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.
Prov 14:27

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. Prov 9:10

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight. Prov 3:5

The sheep scenario

We all are like sheep that have been lead astray. We have wondered so far away from the Shepard, that we no longer have him in our sights, and there aren't any other sheep around us for accountability. We experience pain b/c we thought we could do it on our own. We didn't need the Shepard. We really really really did need the Shepherd. When we realize this, we go back to him to ask for his forgiveness and to come back to the flock. The Shepard takes us back, we have a little party with the other sheep, who are so very happy as well to see us. YIPPEE! Once we've celebrated, it's then time to get back on the path with the Shepard and start moving forward again. The parties over, the Shepard starts to walk and the sheep follow him.

Let me tell you my position in the flock as the Shepard is leading. I am walking as close to him as I can without him tripping over me. I have to be right there, so I can hear him, see him, smell him, just know that he is right there with me at all times. If I start to wonder a little to the left or right, I can hear him and the other sheep saying, "your starting to stray you need to come back". You may see this as a weak sheep. I see it as a smart sheep that is tired of the cycle of pain that is created from leaving the flock. The Lord is my Shepard, whom shall I fear? As long as I stay close to him, I have no fear b/c he takes care of me. My relationship with him is so precious that I have to guard it from the world who wants to take him from me. I am a Christ follower and I never want to take that for granted. God has given me a gift of a second chance. It took me a while and many mistakes and heartache to get here. There are days that I do have to fight to keep him in my life. That's ok. He fought and died for me, so that I may truly know him. There are just as many days when I am so tired from walking that he has to carry me. Those have been some of my best days with him. I will continue on my journey with him, b/c I know that he loves and cares for me and wants whats best for me so I may continue to grow in him.

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come! 2 Cor 5:17

Knight in Shining Armor

I went to see the movie "He's just not that into you". Cute movie. There were things in it I didn't agree with, but it was a movie for entertainment. Unfortuuatly there were many impressionable women, of all ages, watching this inside look into how we do realationships. I thought there should have been some one there to strike up conversation with the women in the theater when it was over. We could have prayed, it would have been great. I think I just described a Beth Moore convention.

I so wish there were more women like Beth Moore. Watching that movie made me have a new appreciation for my singleness. I am single, but I'm not alone. It took me a long time to realize that. One of the characters in the movie, was so desperate to find "THE ONE" that she thought every guy she met was "THE ONE". She had no problem stalking him to get that information. There were a few things that caught my attention while watching the movie

In one scene, the female character was told by a male friend, "if a guy wants to spend time with you he will do whatever it takes to make that happen". WOW. I had to do some reflecting with that. In my reflection I saw someone who needed to be reminded of that.

Even though I am not alone, I always have Jesus and he is the great comforter. I do desire a relationship. Not one that I am going to have to chase after, but one that will chase after me. I saw a pattern in my past relationships, of chasing. I so despriately needed someone ,anyone to love me. When I talk with my friends I could drop his name, and they would be jealous, because he truly loved me. I think we treat love like a popularity contest. Who loves you? How many people love you? If a man loves you, you have truly arrived and the rest of your life will be wonderful. Even if that person really doesn't love you, but he smiles, or says hello, that can keep hope alive that someone will love you one day, therefore someone out there loves you. I use to think that until a man loved you, you had no purpose and no identity. There are so many women out there that feel like this.

We can only get our identity through Jesus Christ ladies. He is our knight in shining armor that has come to resue us. He truly loves us with all his heart and is willing to chase after us. He brings us purpose to our lives. Married ,Single ,Divorced it doesn't matter. You can't find what you need to fill the void from a man here on earth. They are only human and make mistakes just like we do. They are not our Saviors. That's a lot of responsability to put on anyone. You are setting yourself up to fail with that mind set. We tend to get desperate in our search for that man that will make it all better.

When in desperation we make very very bad decisions.If you follow the wrong man, he will probaly lead you all the way to hell and back, and not even care about the destruction he has left behind. Maybe even twice. God wants us to be strong women in him, so that when he does bring us our knight, we will be strong and supportive of our man. We will be able to do life together as a team. Your team needs to be strong enough to take on the world. That's why we need to wait on Godly men. No they are not perfect, but life is hard enough without a foundation to work with. You would never build a house without a foundation to start with. If you did, your house would surely come crashing down. I know about crashing and trying to pick up the pieces after the wreck.

"We are the rule not the exception". That line was used to descibe women who on the off chance had gotten themselves into a bad relationship, but it ended up happliy every after. This women were considered lucky in the movie and they were the exception. I am going to challenge you to think outside the box right now.

We who are godly women, who make a choice to wait for God to bring us someone, we are the rule and there is no exceptions and there is no subsitutes.

For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road, that leads to life, and only a few find it. Romans 7:13-14.

Find that narrow road. It may be narrow, but there are more people on it than you think. Cling to those people to help you on your journey. Life is not meant to be done alone, but that doesn't mean you have to be doing life with a man this very second. It may not be your time yet. I believe God teaches us how to have a realtionship with him, to prepare us for the man he will bring to us. It's all about timeing. Find a group of Godly women, married, single, divorced it doesn't matter. Do life with them. Learn from them. God will honor that.

Treat each day like today is the day the Lord has made. Learn, grow, laugh and love.

Best Friends Forever

I just want to say what a successful journey I've had on Face Book. Who knew that could be such a great tool for healing and restoration.

In the last several months I have found three dear friends from Goose Creek High School. That's in Goose Creek South Carolina. Yes it's a real place, now stop laughing. I have had a great experience finding them. With all three, the feelings have been different, yet the same.

I won't name name's but, one friend, I was able to apologize for being insensitive to his feelings and at the time not be able to accept who he is. I've been wanting to do that for years. The best thing is, he accepted my apology and were still friends. He said we never stopped being friends. Crying as I type this, give me a sec.......He didn't have to do that. He could have just told me off and that would have been the end of it. I am thankful that he is a better friend to me, than I was to him.

My other two BFF's. It was wonderful to see the pictures of them now, with husbands, and kids. They look the same as they did in high school. It is such an odd feeling of "same". I have to explain this. We haven't spoken in many years, we haven't kept up with each other, up until a few months ago, I didn't even know anything about their life after we parted ways. When I found them, my feelings for them where the same as if we were right back in high school. We were able to exchange stories and fill in the gap a little the last few times we've spoke. The road hasn't been easy for any of us, yet the feelings of friendship and connection are the same.

This reminded me of another friend I have. I had turned my back on him for many years. I had lost my way.He would offer his help and I would turn him down every time. I always told him, "stop asking me if you can help me. Does it look like I need any help? Just leave me alone". Boy did I need help. He knew that. I knew that. I just couldn't step out side of my own selfishness to let it all go. I will give this friends him. His name is Jesus!

This experience that I've been able to have on FB has just brought to mind how excited Jesus gets when we re connect with him. He doesn't care how long it's been since we've last talked, or how badly we have destroyed the years in between. He's just so excited we have connected with him. No judgement, no condemnation, just friendship. I love that about him. There are still consequences, but it so much better to do life with him, than without him.

My friends have shown me grace and forgiveness, and the "same" friendship, no matter how long it had been. Like we were never apart.

I once was lost, but now I'm found.........

Hope and Future

I know some of you are aware that I just love the devotionals by Jon Walker. The most recent one I wanted to share with you. I've had to let it sit with me for a little bit. I wasn't really getting that this was for me. His site is www.gracecreates.com. I encourage you to join his daily devotional emails he sends out. I so wish I could met Jon Walker. I feel as if we are kindred spirits. This scipture is from the devotional. I'm just gonna give you what I got out of it.


Seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper. Jeremiah 29:7 (NIV)
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This is going to be so great. Ready.

This morning I had to go to the scripture and read the entire chapter and then some. I love it when God just jumps off the pages at me. I encourage you to read it before we go on.

God CARRIED these people into EXILE. The definition of exile is to be away from one's home,city state or country, while being refused permission to return. In earlier chapters God sent Jeremiah to tell the people, look it's going to get really bad around here. If you want to live I need for you to reform your ways and your actions, be obedient, listen, and do what I'm telling you to do. I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm telling you the Lord needs you to get out of here now!

I have had this experience. Almost 4 years ago I had this very conversation with the Lord. I had just trashed my whole life thinking I could do it all on my own and I didn't need any help from him or anyone else. I was so stubborn. I was trying so hard to prove to myself that I could do this life on my own, that I ended up being my own worst enemy. I had to just completely surrender to him and die to myself. That process took a year. It wasn't just over night. God had to change everything about me before I could see that's what I needed to do.I left my life in complete ruins and moved. It wasn't slow, I moved quickly. It was all about get out of here now, it's all coming down around you. This was a physical and spiritual move for me. Not all change requires a geographical relocation, but sometimes you need drastic change in order to recieve your healing.

How confusing it must have been for these people to go from their home that they probably had always known, Jerusalem, and move their family,kids,cattle to Babylon where they probably had never even visited. Then my interpretation of what happens probably went like this. They were in a completely foreign place and they longed for what they use to know. The familiar. They probably had questions like 'What now?"

That familiar will get ya every time. God has CARRIED them out of there for a reason. They get to a new city and want what they had before. God wants so much more than the familiar for our lives. He wants to show us extraordinary things. He wants to show us how much he loves us and what we can accomplish through him. He wants to CARRY us out of the old and bring us into the new. In order to break away from the familiar he had to exile them. Keep them separated from what they knew and refuse to let them go back to it. They had to grow out of the old way of thinking, living and dreaming to be able to receive all of God's blessing. He told them to build a life for themselves in their new land. Build houses, settle down, plant crops. Your going to be here a while so make the best of it.He told them to make the city prosper, if it did, they would as well. He told them not to listen to anyone but him. Not to listen to those people saying, what your doing is nuts and it doesn't make any sense. I'm sure they all had doubts. We all have those doubts. God, am I where you need me to be? Do I need to move to where you would have me do your best work? Do I need to stay at this job, this relationship, this circumstance? None of this is familiar to me and I would like to feel the security again. How funny it is that we can long for things that weren't good for us, because that's all we know and it was familiar. Going out of your comfort zone, stepping out for Jesus can be a wild ride. We need to remember to cling to him and not to the familiar. Here we go to the best part. God's promise to them. I just love this! I have to type out the verse for you. It's so powerful.

10 This is what the Lord says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place.11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future."

Our God is a God of hope, love, protection, promises and restoration. He has done for me so much more than I could have ever imagined. I had to be obedient, listen and move even when I didn't understand. God can see our bigger picture. It's all about timing with him. Are you in that place where you've stepped out in faith about something and you feel as if you are in the seventy year holding pattern? It's important to keep the perspective. I have to say seventy years is a long time. The thing is ,God promised them they would return in seventy years. They did. If you knew for certain what God has for you is much greater then what he has given you now, wouldn't you wait on it? If you knew that God had a plan, a hope and a future, wouldn't you wait and stick it out with him no matter what you saw happen in your life? I know nothing else in my life can give me a definate promise of a hope and a future. Not my job, not my realtionships, not my self.

When they go back seventy years later Jerusalem definitely wouldn't look like the place they left. They definitely wouldn't be the same people that God carried out of there. Change takes time. It's important to keep seeking out all the little things God does for us on a daily, weekly, yearly basis. Hold on to those things. Every day I see a sun rise, I think that if God can do that, I can't wait to see what he does with me. God is every where and he does for us all the time. We must make time to see what it is he is showing us and hold onto it. Just keep your forward momentum and your eyes on him. He will lead, you and during some points, pick you up and carry you where you need to be.
He has big plans for us, HOPE and FUTURE.

The gym

Ok so here we go. One of my resolutions was to lose 20+ pounds. I don't think I can get away with calling it a resolution any more since it hasn't changed in the last 10+ years. Lets call it a hopeful endeavor.

Anyway, the gym gives me a sneak peek at what hell must be like! There was wailing and gnashing of teeth, tears, pain, all coming from me. It's so hard and so painful. I went with Kari and Gino which made it worse. I had to keep up a brave front for the kids. I didn't want them to think that I was THAT out of shape. I didn't want to break that illusion of strength that they see. LOL.

It is a co ed gym at my apartment complex. I 'm not that crazy about sweating and making those painful faces in a room full of hot sweaty guys. I like to sweat with my own kind. Even then there are those women that are jogging for an hour and they don't sweat one bit. I'm out there for 10 minutes and it looks like I have just come in from out of the rain. I don't glow like some women. I just sweat. I did get a remark from a lady that was working out next to me on how nice it was to see someone sweat at the gym. I'm glad I could help bring a slice of reality into hells living room.

The big problem with having men in the gym with me, is the noises they make. I have been single for a while now and the moans and groans of a male is not really what I need to hear. It was getting pretty bad in there so I closed my eyes to pray. Mental note, keep your eyes open. When I closed my eyes to pray I skipped the praying and went to my happy place with the moaning. ALERT ALERT open your eyes, open your eyes! I had to shake a not so Godly vision out of my head and keep my eyes open to pray. Dear Lord make those men stop making those noises.

Another problem. They had the TV channel on the food network. What's up with that? It made it even worse. They would make a dish and I would say out loud "WOW that looks really good!"
Kari would look at me and say, "Mom, stay focused. We're not here for that." Sooorrrryyy! I get easily distracted there, as you can tell. After all that drama and I was finally finished I only burned off 100 calories. 100 calories! I don't think that got rid of the pizza slice I had for lunch. Don't judge me it was thin crust! We leave the gym and start our walk back to the apartment. Gino tells me "Dez, your being so dramatic with your breathing." I had to tell him in broken sentences that I was just trying to get as much oxygen as I possible could into my body. When we got to the stairs of the apartment building I remembered we live on the third floor! OHHHH!

New Year

Going from one year to another can be exciting. We all get a start over hoping to do this year better than we did the last. People make resolutions with a goal in mind, determined to have a better new year. I am one of those people. I 'll go back to my famous resolution of losing weight. That lasts till about April for me then it's game over. I hope I will be able to go longer this year, but I don't know. I really like Mc Donalds.

As I stand at the edge of 2008, looking out into 2009 I wonder what God has in store for me. We say goodbye to the old and ring in the new. I've learned so much about my self this year. I wonder if I will get a chance to use what God has shown me? I hope that this year brings me a new job.

I think I'm ready for new things this coming year. New things were so frightening for me in the past. I love to cling to the same. I feel safe there. I'm learning that where there is safety solely relied on me, there is no growth. I want to grow. I don't want to be afraid of everything anymore. My strength and hope are in Jesus Christ. He will never leave me or forsake me. My life is not what I want it to be, but what he has for me. He takes so much better care of me than I ever could myself. I want to find my freedom in his saving grace. Lets all take a leap of faith in 2009 and see what God has in store for us. I can't wait.

I wish anyone who reads this a Happy New Year! All two of you.

Due time

The Bible speaks many times about the perseverance through pain and suffering. Can I say that I am not the biggest fan of this. Here is the definition of perseverance -steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
Here is was what was listed as a theology definition- continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

Key words that are difficult for me, steady and continuance. Really? Really? Who is a fan of steady and continual pain? That goes against everything in my brain. No one wants any pain at all. Especially not continual and steady pain.

Humble yourselves therefore under God's mighty right hand that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1Peter 5:6-7
What time is due time? It will be 6:00 am soon. Is that due time? Will I have humbled myself enough by six o'clock? I may not be humble by six, but I sure am going to be tired.

And the God of all grace,who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.1Peter 5:10
Again, suffered a little while? I believe my time frame and God's time frame of suffering are different. I would rather not suffer at all. It hurts too much. If I had to pick a time frame I'd probably go with no more than five minutes.

Here is the big problem, without pain there will be no restoration. Things need to die in order to bring new life. I am a BIG fan of restoration and dying to things, people, emotions,addictions, etc. That scripture says God himself will restore me. That is a promise from God. He doesn't break his promises. He is the God of all grace and he loves and cares for us. That is why we need him. I can 't do life on my own. I did try it for a while and boy did I do some tremendous damage there. I have learned that I would rather go through my pain and suffering with him, that without him. He does such a better job with my life than I could have ever even imagined. I had to humble my self before the Mighty right hand of God. It was there that I found grace.

We need to be in a continual state of grace. Grace. This is something else that is a difficult concept for me. God loves me no matter what I have done. My past is behind me and he loves me as if I have never sinned. So that must mean the grace road goes both ways. I have to have grace with others, that have triggered my pain, which I must persevere through? I feel like I am on a merry go round now. There seems to be a circle of events happening here. I also have to show myself grace. Who knew that? You mean I'm not perfect? I don't get everything right? Of course not. I am not perfect, I make mistakes. In God's grace he will honor my imperfection.

I struggle with looking at problems so hard, that I am unable to see what else is going on around it. Some days it's not even about me. Wow, not everything that happens in my life is about me, again who knew. This is why I must cling to all of God's promises for me. I must keep my focus on him and not the circumstances that are trying to get me to go into a downward spiral of doubt and fear. I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of God's love mercy and grace for me. God never promised us a life without pain. He does promise us that he will never leave or forsake us.

So, I will be patient and wait for "due time". Will it be painful? Yes.I hold on to the promise that God will bring me through to the other side, and that "due time" is coming. I will persevere until I get to the place of restoration.
I love that place!