Rid me of myself

"Rid me of myself" is line from the song Lead me to the Cross. We sing this at my church, CATB. My friend April always does an awesome job singing this song with such conviction. That line may be short but very powerful. How many of us are going through something right now that we need to take ourselves out of the equation, give it to God, and let him work it out? Hopes, fears, dreams, wants, needs? I haven't been able to blog lately because I am in fear mode. I personally hate it here.

There is a good chance I will lose my job. I feel like I am going down with the Titanic. It's odd, because I know God will take care of me no matter what happens. I really don't want to go through the whole experience of being let go. I don't want to watch the other 10 single moms that I work with lose their job. I would like to be spared this pain and be gently whisked away to another job where there is security again. I have to remind my self that this is reality and not Star Trek. No one gets to be beamed out of a bad situation and zapped into a good one. I think if your zapped your dead. Never mind. I'm keeping it. I like the way it reads.

My fear is of the unknown and that there is no more security. Oddly enough, even if what is in the future is good. I have fear because I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.I have no control over this situation at all. No control! This is where "rid me of myself" comes in.

Even before the threat of job loss, I didn't know what tomorrow would hold, what makes now different? We all like to think that we at least have some say in how and what we do in our life. I believe God ALLOWS us that right. The whole free will thing. This situation is out of my hands completely. My security comes from Jesus Christ not my job. Can you see now why God is allowing me to go through this. I believe I am being reminded.

Rid me of this fear. Rid me of myself.

When I was younger in church I would hear the pastor say, " What ever is bothering you, what ever is hindering you, just give it to God and he will take away your pain." Great concept I thought. I also thought, you just give it to God once? I thought I gave it to him and yet I still had it. I thought I did it wrong, or that God just didn't want to take it from me. It was my problem and I was to be burdened with it as my punishment. Not true. My new church showed me that I was going about it the wrong way.

Our church is doing the Daniel fast. A person, who will remain nameless, encouraged others to do the Daniel fast. Day one he had lunch, completely forgot the fact that he can't have chicken on his salad (I believe this is probably a repetitive action) and then not until hours later did he figure he had already missed the mark. That didn't stop him. He recognized he made the error and went right back on the fast. Isn't that like a do over? I always thought we didn't get do overs. I am definitely mistaken. The most important thing I have learned in the past few years is God still loves us even when we mess up. God still loves us even though he knows we have doubts and fears. He never holds that against us. He continues to love us exactly right where we are in our lives. I love that about him!

It's not so easy for me to give God the way I process situations and circumstances. I find that I have to be very conscience of what and how I'm thinking. I can have a good day and give those negative thoughts and fears to him for a whole 24 hours, and the next day, wake up, and BAM, I've picked them back up. I could be free of a situation for years, and then some circumstance will happen, and then BAM, there it is again. Sometimes, fears sneak up on me and I don't even realize they have taken hold, until I am in that dark pit. FYI- that dark pit, great place to die to things that are holding you back from growing in Christ. Hard place to be. Don't stay there long. Work it out, get up and get out. I may one day blog about my most defining "pit" moment. This situation may very well be another for me.

God does not give us a spirit of fear. Fear is what the enemy uses to get us off track. Tells us the lie, " see I knew you would never be rid of this fear, just give into it an let it consume you". I am a child of God and I will not let my life be led by fear. I will go through this trial that has been set before me. I will stop trying to go around it and with God's help and direction go through it. He will get me to the other side. I have no idea when I will get there or what it will look like when I have arrived. I do know that God is my rock and my strength and he promises that he will never leave or forsake me.

Rid me of myself. You are God, I am your humble servant. I want your will for my life, even when I don't know what that looks like and even when It scares me from time to time.

Rid me of myself
I belong to you
lead me, lead me
to the CROSS

Contentment. Is it just a myth?

God has been showing me something very interesting these past couple of weeks. We have already established that I don't do well in relationships with men. I was being kind to my self when I said "don't do well". It's actually something I am HORRIBLE at. Through out the last couple of weeks I have had the opportunity to speak with people who are in a bad relationship or have been in one. I started to notice a pattern. I was able to notice it because I had seen it before, In my own life.

When people talk about bad relationships, they always start out saying every negative thing that ever happened. They talk about their feelings and use phrases like, "I'm not happy". He or she "just doesn't make me happy anymore". In these discussions, I saw that the people telling the tale of woe never revealed their negative part in the relationship. In any situation there are two sides to the story. God has blessed me with some great married girlfriends. Their marriages have a Christ centered foundation that I have learned a lot by being around. It would be silly for me to think that they don't have difficulties, and that my girlfriends are the perfect ones. My girlfriends are gorgeous, but not perfect. When they read this they will agree.

*** One side bar, if your ever in an abusive relationship, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. It's Biblical. We make mistakes, but you don't have to die for them Jesus already did that for you. One day we will discuss that on the blog. That is a completely separate issue. *****

Think back to when you got something you've been waiting for a long time. A new outfit, a husband, boyfriend, new car, etc. Think back to that day. You were so excited. Your hard work had paid off. You finally got what you have desired. Your going to be happy now, forever right?

A friend of mine bought a car two years ago. This car was a life savior. She didn't have a car before and she was having to get rides from people, she didn't have her own independence, she couldn't help her kids get around, she almost lost her job b/c she couldn't get to work or was late trying to find a ride. She finally got a car. When she did she was on top of the world. Her fears had subsided. She was able to help her kids, she was going to get to keep her job. Life for her was good. This week she came to me complaining about that very same car. She wasn't happy with it. The same car that was a life savior just two years ago, your not happy with? I asked her if the car had any problems, she said no. She was just tired of it. She had gotten herself in somewhat of a financial bind with it, and that was creating grief as well.

Another friend of ours got a new 2008 car this week. This friend had a beat up car. (similar to the condition on my car) She drove it for a long time, never complained about it. It was blowing smoke out the tail pipe, it has dents and dings, and the color is not the same all over the car. (again similar to my car) I have a heart for people who have had there car past the 10 year mark. She always said, "it might not be pretty, but it gets me to where I need to go, and I have no complaints". The car sparkles, it smells new. She had been saving her money for along time, in order to get this car. She had been preparing for the day of renewal.

It's no coincidence that my first friend decided this week to speak badly of her perfectly good car. She makes mention of it now, when we leave to go home, how nice it is and how she wished she had one. We've had several conversations on how if her circumstances were the same as friend #2 she would be able to buy a new car too.

Contentment in any relationship is vital. Material things and people cannot make us happy. The lack of these things cannot steal our true joy. The world makes you think that your husband or boyfriend,should be able to meet your every whim. He should know what you need without even telling him. If he knew you the way he should you wouldn't need to tell him anything. He would just be able to look into your darling face and just know how to make you happy. Single gals have that shoved down their throat, in movies, TV, romance novels. Wouldn't it be nice to have the wind blowing through your hair, a spot light on you, and theme music every time you enter a room. That's what I think when I see a romance novel. Sorry, lets go back.

Contentment. We all will have seasons where we don't feel content. Keep in mind that feelings come and go. We are not to live our lives according to how we feel. Boy did I really muck up my life doing that. That brought me to a place where I was just out to make myself happy. If you couldn't do it for me, I was on to the next person that could. I made one bad choice after another. I was never content with myself. I blamed everything on the other person, so I wouldn't have to really look inside my self to find out that I was the problem. I believe trying to attain happiness under our own will becomes and addiction. Living my life that way lead me straight to Jesus. In my experience, I was trying to fill the void that I had in my life with what ever made me happy at the time. I needed to have the things or people that would make me happy around all the time. When your happy you don't have to acknowledge the bad stuff that's going on around you. Things that are happening to you or around you all seem to fade away when your "happy". Happiness is fleeting. That's why we try so hard to get it. It's temporary. When we try to gain happiness in other people you tend to want to change them according to what will make you happy today. When they won't comply or they can't make you happy you become frustrated. There was nothing wrong with friend #1"s car, until friend #2 got a new one.You cannot ever change another person, only your self. You can pray for that person, and ask God to use you as a tool, but you cannot change them. Only Jesus has the ability to take what was broken and make it whole again. If you find yourself in a situation that needs change, pray about it, go to his word. He will give you comfort and direction. I will not lie to you. Life changing experiences are hard, but so worth it in the end. If you don't know where to go or who to turn to to get back on track, cry out to him and he will hear you. He loves us and wants what he knows is best for us. That looks completely different from what you see right now. I guarantee, you wont regret getting yourself on track with the Lord. It will be difficult some days, and you will need to cling to him. Other days you will experience contentment like you have never been apart of before. When we make Christ our priority, things will start to fall into place. You will start to notice a change. People around you will notice a change as well. Others around you, will have the opportunity to change. I have learned so much about myself in the last 4 years. Things I have tried to figure out on my own for 35 years, God has revealed to me in 4. I'm still growing, and I'm still learning. God gives us the opportunity to learn and grow with him every second of the day. Learn all you can from the positive people God places in your life. You won't regret it!