The Silence of Heaven

Yep, as you can tell from the title, this is will be another road we will go down together and I'm not sure where it will lead. Lets go shall we, and see what God has in store for us...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Prov 3:5-6

I feel as if my "own understanding" has been ripped out from underneath me and I don't know where it went. I believe that's why we're instructed not to lean on it, because what you think you know to be true can change in the blink of an eye. Not that is wasn't true, just that it's not true now because the game has changed.

I think right now my life can be explained as a video game. You know how you start of on the first level you die repeatedly, you learn from your mistakes and along the way you can pick up stuff that gives you strength, health, or happiness. If you keep going at it, and you don't get discouraged, you can make it all the way to the end of the level. YEAH right! Success! You go to level two, and the game has changed. You have to learn new ways to get to the end now. Level two is completely different. You've never been here and you don't know what to expect.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

I don't doubt my trust in him, or that what ever he has planned for me won't be good. I feel as if God has leveled the playing field for me. I feel as if I have lost my purpose. What I thought my purpose was and the path I was on, has now completely changed in all areas of my life. The path was going one way, I thought I had a handle on it, and now, not so much. I am totally and completely broken to the things God has taken me through in the last several months. We are still going through it, and it's not over yet, and boy does it hurt.

The silence of heaven
I feel very comforted by the Lord. I feel like I have no direction from him. I can sense his comforting presence and I know that he will never leave me, but I have lost my direction. I feel as if all of heaven is silent. I can hear myself and all my questions of why, but there is no answer yet. I know there will be. In the interim it is so hard. These feelings of doubt and fear I am working on a daily basis now. I didn't even realize I had so much fear of what the future holds for me. I do know he holds the future, so you think it would be easier than this.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

I have to give a shout out to Chris Tomlin. He writes such great lyrics to songs. In one of his songs he writes, "and my faith shall be my eyes".

Lord, let my faith be my eyes. Let me not lean on my own understanding and continue to look to you for my direction. Let me remain strong and courageous, even in the silence of heaven.

Rid me of myself

"Rid me of myself" is line from the song Lead me to the Cross. We sing this at my church, CATB. My friend April always does an awesome job singing this song with such conviction. That line may be short but very powerful. How many of us are going through something right now that we need to take ourselves out of the equation, give it to God, and let him work it out? Hopes, fears, dreams, wants, needs? I haven't been able to blog lately because I am in fear mode. I personally hate it here.

There is a good chance I will lose my job. I feel like I am going down with the Titanic. It's odd, because I know God will take care of me no matter what happens. I really don't want to go through the whole experience of being let go. I don't want to watch the other 10 single moms that I work with lose their job. I would like to be spared this pain and be gently whisked away to another job where there is security again. I have to remind my self that this is reality and not Star Trek. No one gets to be beamed out of a bad situation and zapped into a good one. I think if your zapped your dead. Never mind. I'm keeping it. I like the way it reads.

My fear is of the unknown and that there is no more security. Oddly enough, even if what is in the future is good. I have fear because I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.I have no control over this situation at all. No control! This is where "rid me of myself" comes in.

Even before the threat of job loss, I didn't know what tomorrow would hold, what makes now different? We all like to think that we at least have some say in how and what we do in our life. I believe God ALLOWS us that right. The whole free will thing. This situation is out of my hands completely. My security comes from Jesus Christ not my job. Can you see now why God is allowing me to go through this. I believe I am being reminded.

Rid me of this fear. Rid me of myself.

When I was younger in church I would hear the pastor say, " What ever is bothering you, what ever is hindering you, just give it to God and he will take away your pain." Great concept I thought. I also thought, you just give it to God once? I thought I gave it to him and yet I still had it. I thought I did it wrong, or that God just didn't want to take it from me. It was my problem and I was to be burdened with it as my punishment. Not true. My new church showed me that I was going about it the wrong way.

Our church is doing the Daniel fast. A person, who will remain nameless, encouraged others to do the Daniel fast. Day one he had lunch, completely forgot the fact that he can't have chicken on his salad (I believe this is probably a repetitive action) and then not until hours later did he figure he had already missed the mark. That didn't stop him. He recognized he made the error and went right back on the fast. Isn't that like a do over? I always thought we didn't get do overs. I am definitely mistaken. The most important thing I have learned in the past few years is God still loves us even when we mess up. God still loves us even though he knows we have doubts and fears. He never holds that against us. He continues to love us exactly right where we are in our lives. I love that about him!

It's not so easy for me to give God the way I process situations and circumstances. I find that I have to be very conscience of what and how I'm thinking. I can have a good day and give those negative thoughts and fears to him for a whole 24 hours, and the next day, wake up, and BAM, I've picked them back up. I could be free of a situation for years, and then some circumstance will happen, and then BAM, there it is again. Sometimes, fears sneak up on me and I don't even realize they have taken hold, until I am in that dark pit. FYI- that dark pit, great place to die to things that are holding you back from growing in Christ. Hard place to be. Don't stay there long. Work it out, get up and get out. I may one day blog about my most defining "pit" moment. This situation may very well be another for me.

God does not give us a spirit of fear. Fear is what the enemy uses to get us off track. Tells us the lie, " see I knew you would never be rid of this fear, just give into it an let it consume you". I am a child of God and I will not let my life be led by fear. I will go through this trial that has been set before me. I will stop trying to go around it and with God's help and direction go through it. He will get me to the other side. I have no idea when I will get there or what it will look like when I have arrived. I do know that God is my rock and my strength and he promises that he will never leave or forsake me.

Rid me of myself. You are God, I am your humble servant. I want your will for my life, even when I don't know what that looks like and even when It scares me from time to time.

Rid me of myself
I belong to you
lead me, lead me
to the CROSS

Contentment. Is it just a myth?

God has been showing me something very interesting these past couple of weeks. We have already established that I don't do well in relationships with men. I was being kind to my self when I said "don't do well". It's actually something I am HORRIBLE at. Through out the last couple of weeks I have had the opportunity to speak with people who are in a bad relationship or have been in one. I started to notice a pattern. I was able to notice it because I had seen it before, In my own life.

When people talk about bad relationships, they always start out saying every negative thing that ever happened. They talk about their feelings and use phrases like, "I'm not happy". He or she "just doesn't make me happy anymore". In these discussions, I saw that the people telling the tale of woe never revealed their negative part in the relationship. In any situation there are two sides to the story. God has blessed me with some great married girlfriends. Their marriages have a Christ centered foundation that I have learned a lot by being around. It would be silly for me to think that they don't have difficulties, and that my girlfriends are the perfect ones. My girlfriends are gorgeous, but not perfect. When they read this they will agree.

*** One side bar, if your ever in an abusive relationship, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. It's Biblical. We make mistakes, but you don't have to die for them Jesus already did that for you. One day we will discuss that on the blog. That is a completely separate issue. *****

Think back to when you got something you've been waiting for a long time. A new outfit, a husband, boyfriend, new car, etc. Think back to that day. You were so excited. Your hard work had paid off. You finally got what you have desired. Your going to be happy now, forever right?

A friend of mine bought a car two years ago. This car was a life savior. She didn't have a car before and she was having to get rides from people, she didn't have her own independence, she couldn't help her kids get around, she almost lost her job b/c she couldn't get to work or was late trying to find a ride. She finally got a car. When she did she was on top of the world. Her fears had subsided. She was able to help her kids, she was going to get to keep her job. Life for her was good. This week she came to me complaining about that very same car. She wasn't happy with it. The same car that was a life savior just two years ago, your not happy with? I asked her if the car had any problems, she said no. She was just tired of it. She had gotten herself in somewhat of a financial bind with it, and that was creating grief as well.

Another friend of ours got a new 2008 car this week. This friend had a beat up car. (similar to the condition on my car) She drove it for a long time, never complained about it. It was blowing smoke out the tail pipe, it has dents and dings, and the color is not the same all over the car. (again similar to my car) I have a heart for people who have had there car past the 10 year mark. She always said, "it might not be pretty, but it gets me to where I need to go, and I have no complaints". The car sparkles, it smells new. She had been saving her money for along time, in order to get this car. She had been preparing for the day of renewal.

It's no coincidence that my first friend decided this week to speak badly of her perfectly good car. She makes mention of it now, when we leave to go home, how nice it is and how she wished she had one. We've had several conversations on how if her circumstances were the same as friend #2 she would be able to buy a new car too.

Contentment in any relationship is vital. Material things and people cannot make us happy. The lack of these things cannot steal our true joy. The world makes you think that your husband or boyfriend,should be able to meet your every whim. He should know what you need without even telling him. If he knew you the way he should you wouldn't need to tell him anything. He would just be able to look into your darling face and just know how to make you happy. Single gals have that shoved down their throat, in movies, TV, romance novels. Wouldn't it be nice to have the wind blowing through your hair, a spot light on you, and theme music every time you enter a room. That's what I think when I see a romance novel. Sorry, lets go back.

Contentment. We all will have seasons where we don't feel content. Keep in mind that feelings come and go. We are not to live our lives according to how we feel. Boy did I really muck up my life doing that. That brought me to a place where I was just out to make myself happy. If you couldn't do it for me, I was on to the next person that could. I made one bad choice after another. I was never content with myself. I blamed everything on the other person, so I wouldn't have to really look inside my self to find out that I was the problem. I believe trying to attain happiness under our own will becomes and addiction. Living my life that way lead me straight to Jesus. In my experience, I was trying to fill the void that I had in my life with what ever made me happy at the time. I needed to have the things or people that would make me happy around all the time. When your happy you don't have to acknowledge the bad stuff that's going on around you. Things that are happening to you or around you all seem to fade away when your "happy". Happiness is fleeting. That's why we try so hard to get it. It's temporary. When we try to gain happiness in other people you tend to want to change them according to what will make you happy today. When they won't comply or they can't make you happy you become frustrated. There was nothing wrong with friend #1"s car, until friend #2 got a new one.You cannot ever change another person, only your self. You can pray for that person, and ask God to use you as a tool, but you cannot change them. Only Jesus has the ability to take what was broken and make it whole again. If you find yourself in a situation that needs change, pray about it, go to his word. He will give you comfort and direction. I will not lie to you. Life changing experiences are hard, but so worth it in the end. If you don't know where to go or who to turn to to get back on track, cry out to him and he will hear you. He loves us and wants what he knows is best for us. That looks completely different from what you see right now. I guarantee, you wont regret getting yourself on track with the Lord. It will be difficult some days, and you will need to cling to him. Other days you will experience contentment like you have never been apart of before. When we make Christ our priority, things will start to fall into place. You will start to notice a change. People around you will notice a change as well. Others around you, will have the opportunity to change. I have learned so much about myself in the last 4 years. Things I have tried to figure out on my own for 35 years, God has revealed to me in 4. I'm still growing, and I'm still learning. God gives us the opportunity to learn and grow with him every second of the day. Learn all you can from the positive people God places in your life. You won't regret it!

Sheep

This one will be interesting and I myself am excited to see where this is going to go.

My brain goes about a million miles a minute trying to figure out what God is trying to show me some days. That is why I started this Blog. This is an outlet for me to sort out what's going on between my heart and my head. They aren't always in sync with each other. I say that because I know God has spoken truth into my heart. What I see,what I feel, and what I know to be true, sometimes don't all go together. Let me explain.

For as many times as I have said, "God has a plan and a purpose for our lives, stay on track and he will lead you there", I still struggle with that. When you read it, it sounds great. When you actually apply it to your life it is a struggle. You know what you need to do, yet the devil is there to whisper in your ear "you don't need this new life", you really aren't a new creation in Christ, your still the same old Dez that I had a hold onto for years." LIES LIES LIES!

This happens when I get fearful of stepping outside of God's will and finding my self lost b/c of the "slow fade" (compromises) that I have allowed in my life.

The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.
Prov 14:27

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. Prov 9:10

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight. Prov 3:5

The sheep scenario

We all are like sheep that have been lead astray. We have wondered so far away from the Shepard, that we no longer have him in our sights, and there aren't any other sheep around us for accountability. We experience pain b/c we thought we could do it on our own. We didn't need the Shepard. We really really really did need the Shepherd. When we realize this, we go back to him to ask for his forgiveness and to come back to the flock. The Shepard takes us back, we have a little party with the other sheep, who are so very happy as well to see us. YIPPEE! Once we've celebrated, it's then time to get back on the path with the Shepard and start moving forward again. The parties over, the Shepard starts to walk and the sheep follow him.

Let me tell you my position in the flock as the Shepard is leading. I am walking as close to him as I can without him tripping over me. I have to be right there, so I can hear him, see him, smell him, just know that he is right there with me at all times. If I start to wonder a little to the left or right, I can hear him and the other sheep saying, "your starting to stray you need to come back". You may see this as a weak sheep. I see it as a smart sheep that is tired of the cycle of pain that is created from leaving the flock. The Lord is my Shepard, whom shall I fear? As long as I stay close to him, I have no fear b/c he takes care of me. My relationship with him is so precious that I have to guard it from the world who wants to take him from me. I am a Christ follower and I never want to take that for granted. God has given me a gift of a second chance. It took me a while and many mistakes and heartache to get here. There are days that I do have to fight to keep him in my life. That's ok. He fought and died for me, so that I may truly know him. There are just as many days when I am so tired from walking that he has to carry me. Those have been some of my best days with him. I will continue on my journey with him, b/c I know that he loves and cares for me and wants whats best for me so I may continue to grow in him.

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come! 2 Cor 5:17

Knight in Shining Armor

I went to see the movie "He's just not that into you". Cute movie. There were things in it I didn't agree with, but it was a movie for entertainment. Unfortuuatly there were many impressionable women, of all ages, watching this inside look into how we do realationships. I thought there should have been some one there to strike up conversation with the women in the theater when it was over. We could have prayed, it would have been great. I think I just described a Beth Moore convention.

I so wish there were more women like Beth Moore. Watching that movie made me have a new appreciation for my singleness. I am single, but I'm not alone. It took me a long time to realize that. One of the characters in the movie, was so desperate to find "THE ONE" that she thought every guy she met was "THE ONE". She had no problem stalking him to get that information. There were a few things that caught my attention while watching the movie

In one scene, the female character was told by a male friend, "if a guy wants to spend time with you he will do whatever it takes to make that happen". WOW. I had to do some reflecting with that. In my reflection I saw someone who needed to be reminded of that.

Even though I am not alone, I always have Jesus and he is the great comforter. I do desire a relationship. Not one that I am going to have to chase after, but one that will chase after me. I saw a pattern in my past relationships, of chasing. I so despriately needed someone ,anyone to love me. When I talk with my friends I could drop his name, and they would be jealous, because he truly loved me. I think we treat love like a popularity contest. Who loves you? How many people love you? If a man loves you, you have truly arrived and the rest of your life will be wonderful. Even if that person really doesn't love you, but he smiles, or says hello, that can keep hope alive that someone will love you one day, therefore someone out there loves you. I use to think that until a man loved you, you had no purpose and no identity. There are so many women out there that feel like this.

We can only get our identity through Jesus Christ ladies. He is our knight in shining armor that has come to resue us. He truly loves us with all his heart and is willing to chase after us. He brings us purpose to our lives. Married ,Single ,Divorced it doesn't matter. You can't find what you need to fill the void from a man here on earth. They are only human and make mistakes just like we do. They are not our Saviors. That's a lot of responsability to put on anyone. You are setting yourself up to fail with that mind set. We tend to get desperate in our search for that man that will make it all better.

When in desperation we make very very bad decisions.If you follow the wrong man, he will probaly lead you all the way to hell and back, and not even care about the destruction he has left behind. Maybe even twice. God wants us to be strong women in him, so that when he does bring us our knight, we will be strong and supportive of our man. We will be able to do life together as a team. Your team needs to be strong enough to take on the world. That's why we need to wait on Godly men. No they are not perfect, but life is hard enough without a foundation to work with. You would never build a house without a foundation to start with. If you did, your house would surely come crashing down. I know about crashing and trying to pick up the pieces after the wreck.

"We are the rule not the exception". That line was used to descibe women who on the off chance had gotten themselves into a bad relationship, but it ended up happliy every after. This women were considered lucky in the movie and they were the exception. I am going to challenge you to think outside the box right now.

We who are godly women, who make a choice to wait for God to bring us someone, we are the rule and there is no exceptions and there is no subsitutes.

For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road, that leads to life, and only a few find it. Romans 7:13-14.

Find that narrow road. It may be narrow, but there are more people on it than you think. Cling to those people to help you on your journey. Life is not meant to be done alone, but that doesn't mean you have to be doing life with a man this very second. It may not be your time yet. I believe God teaches us how to have a realtionship with him, to prepare us for the man he will bring to us. It's all about timeing. Find a group of Godly women, married, single, divorced it doesn't matter. Do life with them. Learn from them. God will honor that.

Treat each day like today is the day the Lord has made. Learn, grow, laugh and love.

Best Friends Forever

I just want to say what a successful journey I've had on Face Book. Who knew that could be such a great tool for healing and restoration.

In the last several months I have found three dear friends from Goose Creek High School. That's in Goose Creek South Carolina. Yes it's a real place, now stop laughing. I have had a great experience finding them. With all three, the feelings have been different, yet the same.

I won't name name's but, one friend, I was able to apologize for being insensitive to his feelings and at the time not be able to accept who he is. I've been wanting to do that for years. The best thing is, he accepted my apology and were still friends. He said we never stopped being friends. Crying as I type this, give me a sec.......He didn't have to do that. He could have just told me off and that would have been the end of it. I am thankful that he is a better friend to me, than I was to him.

My other two BFF's. It was wonderful to see the pictures of them now, with husbands, and kids. They look the same as they did in high school. It is such an odd feeling of "same". I have to explain this. We haven't spoken in many years, we haven't kept up with each other, up until a few months ago, I didn't even know anything about their life after we parted ways. When I found them, my feelings for them where the same as if we were right back in high school. We were able to exchange stories and fill in the gap a little the last few times we've spoke. The road hasn't been easy for any of us, yet the feelings of friendship and connection are the same.

This reminded me of another friend I have. I had turned my back on him for many years. I had lost my way.He would offer his help and I would turn him down every time. I always told him, "stop asking me if you can help me. Does it look like I need any help? Just leave me alone". Boy did I need help. He knew that. I knew that. I just couldn't step out side of my own selfishness to let it all go. I will give this friends him. His name is Jesus!

This experience that I've been able to have on FB has just brought to mind how excited Jesus gets when we re connect with him. He doesn't care how long it's been since we've last talked, or how badly we have destroyed the years in between. He's just so excited we have connected with him. No judgement, no condemnation, just friendship. I love that about him. There are still consequences, but it so much better to do life with him, than without him.

My friends have shown me grace and forgiveness, and the "same" friendship, no matter how long it had been. Like we were never apart.

I once was lost, but now I'm found.........

Hope and Future

I know some of you are aware that I just love the devotionals by Jon Walker. The most recent one I wanted to share with you. I've had to let it sit with me for a little bit. I wasn't really getting that this was for me. His site is www.gracecreates.com. I encourage you to join his daily devotional emails he sends out. I so wish I could met Jon Walker. I feel as if we are kindred spirits. This scipture is from the devotional. I'm just gonna give you what I got out of it.


Seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper. Jeremiah 29:7 (NIV)
*** *** *** ***

This is going to be so great. Ready.

This morning I had to go to the scripture and read the entire chapter and then some. I love it when God just jumps off the pages at me. I encourage you to read it before we go on.

God CARRIED these people into EXILE. The definition of exile is to be away from one's home,city state or country, while being refused permission to return. In earlier chapters God sent Jeremiah to tell the people, look it's going to get really bad around here. If you want to live I need for you to reform your ways and your actions, be obedient, listen, and do what I'm telling you to do. I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm telling you the Lord needs you to get out of here now!

I have had this experience. Almost 4 years ago I had this very conversation with the Lord. I had just trashed my whole life thinking I could do it all on my own and I didn't need any help from him or anyone else. I was so stubborn. I was trying so hard to prove to myself that I could do this life on my own, that I ended up being my own worst enemy. I had to just completely surrender to him and die to myself. That process took a year. It wasn't just over night. God had to change everything about me before I could see that's what I needed to do.I left my life in complete ruins and moved. It wasn't slow, I moved quickly. It was all about get out of here now, it's all coming down around you. This was a physical and spiritual move for me. Not all change requires a geographical relocation, but sometimes you need drastic change in order to recieve your healing.

How confusing it must have been for these people to go from their home that they probably had always known, Jerusalem, and move their family,kids,cattle to Babylon where they probably had never even visited. Then my interpretation of what happens probably went like this. They were in a completely foreign place and they longed for what they use to know. The familiar. They probably had questions like 'What now?"

That familiar will get ya every time. God has CARRIED them out of there for a reason. They get to a new city and want what they had before. God wants so much more than the familiar for our lives. He wants to show us extraordinary things. He wants to show us how much he loves us and what we can accomplish through him. He wants to CARRY us out of the old and bring us into the new. In order to break away from the familiar he had to exile them. Keep them separated from what they knew and refuse to let them go back to it. They had to grow out of the old way of thinking, living and dreaming to be able to receive all of God's blessing. He told them to build a life for themselves in their new land. Build houses, settle down, plant crops. Your going to be here a while so make the best of it.He told them to make the city prosper, if it did, they would as well. He told them not to listen to anyone but him. Not to listen to those people saying, what your doing is nuts and it doesn't make any sense. I'm sure they all had doubts. We all have those doubts. God, am I where you need me to be? Do I need to move to where you would have me do your best work? Do I need to stay at this job, this relationship, this circumstance? None of this is familiar to me and I would like to feel the security again. How funny it is that we can long for things that weren't good for us, because that's all we know and it was familiar. Going out of your comfort zone, stepping out for Jesus can be a wild ride. We need to remember to cling to him and not to the familiar. Here we go to the best part. God's promise to them. I just love this! I have to type out the verse for you. It's so powerful.

10 This is what the Lord says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place.11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future."

Our God is a God of hope, love, protection, promises and restoration. He has done for me so much more than I could have ever imagined. I had to be obedient, listen and move even when I didn't understand. God can see our bigger picture. It's all about timing with him. Are you in that place where you've stepped out in faith about something and you feel as if you are in the seventy year holding pattern? It's important to keep the perspective. I have to say seventy years is a long time. The thing is ,God promised them they would return in seventy years. They did. If you knew for certain what God has for you is much greater then what he has given you now, wouldn't you wait on it? If you knew that God had a plan, a hope and a future, wouldn't you wait and stick it out with him no matter what you saw happen in your life? I know nothing else in my life can give me a definate promise of a hope and a future. Not my job, not my realtionships, not my self.

When they go back seventy years later Jerusalem definitely wouldn't look like the place they left. They definitely wouldn't be the same people that God carried out of there. Change takes time. It's important to keep seeking out all the little things God does for us on a daily, weekly, yearly basis. Hold on to those things. Every day I see a sun rise, I think that if God can do that, I can't wait to see what he does with me. God is every where and he does for us all the time. We must make time to see what it is he is showing us and hold onto it. Just keep your forward momentum and your eyes on him. He will lead, you and during some points, pick you up and carry you where you need to be.
He has big plans for us, HOPE and FUTURE.